How I Went From Fear Of The Gym to Missing The Gym
We are in the middle of the COVID pandemic as I write this and I never thought I would say this, but the thing I miss most is the gym! Only a year ago I had a pretty big phobia of the gym and even found working out at home kind of overwhelming to think about. I’m still not always motivated to work out at home during this pandemic — relearning a new routine is always hard! — but I actually really miss going to the gym.
I’ve always had a lot of anxiety when it comes to body-related things, but several months ago I started on a mission to overcome it. I found a personal trainer (my friend, trainer, and podcaster Jake Roque!) and committed to one month of working out consistently with the goal of overcoming my gym anxiety. Looking back on 2019, I think that was the best thing I did the whole year. I vlogged the month on YouTube here and here, but I wanted to give a little more in depth reflection now that it’s been a while and to share some things I didn’t include in the video.
Things I was worried about beforehand:
I would just cry whenever I worked out on my own and I didn’t really know why. I felt a lot of really vague discouragement and anxiety, and going to the gym with a trainer felt very vulnerable on top of that. My heart rate was 120 when he checked the first time before we had even started working out.
I know I have some addictive tendencies, and I didn’t want to risk giving up all the work I’ve done to love my body as it is by becoming too focused on toning muscle or losing weight. I could see myself easily taking things too far and over dieting, etc or just falling back into being unhappy with the way I look and I wanted to do everything I could to avoid that.
I didn’t know how to use the equipment and worried about people watching me or unwanted attention from guys.
I’m super afraid of passing out or throwing up. I knew trainers could push you really hard and I was worried about getting to that point and ending up in a panic attack.
The environment of an affordable gym feels (still) a little stressful to me. The lights are so bright, the equipment is so ugly, it’s kind of crowded sometimes… it just isn’t alway set up for the most calming feeling.
Challenges that came up:
I did feel lightheaded and nauseous from some of the exercises at first.
WHAT HELPED: My trainer told me it was ok to stop if I felt that way, but we decided after a few times that it was more anxiety-related than exercise-related, so we worked on my mindset. I took deep breaths, chose a goal I felt was challenging but possible and focused on it, reminded myself it was ok to stop at any time (I have a choice, I am free, I’m doing this because I wanted to), but that it will feel really good to accomplish this if I can keep going. I also tried to remember that passing out or throwing up truly wouldn’t be the end of the world even if it would be humiliating and uncomfortable. I never actually ended up doing either of those.
I felt really sick the day after each hard work out at first and I didn’t know why — just general weakness and exhaustion, like I needed to lay down.
WHAT HELPED: Everything improved dramatically when I made sure to eat good protein right away afterward and get more sleep. I had been working out, then driving over an hour home, then eating, and sleeping about 7 hours/night. I had to change this to plan something to eat within 30 minutes after working out and needed at least 8 hours of sleep/night. Once I started doing that I felt so much better and weakness (other than normal soreness) wasn’t a problem. I like Collagen Peptides for protein to add to smoothies etc, because it is tasteless and whole!
I did become slightly too focused on losing weight when I found that after a month of the hardest exercise I had ever done, I actually gained a few pounds, and it wasn’t necessarily muscle weight. I said that I didn’t care about the number beforehand, but admittedly I was discouraged that the number went up.
WHAT HELPED: We discussed how weight is only one measurement of your health, and even if you do decide to pay attention to it at all, it should be over a longer period of time than just one month. It also helped a lot to record videos of my first time at the gym compared to a month later…I was SO much stronger after only a few weeks. It was amazing to see what my body could do easily now that made me nauseous a month earlier. I decided after that that it was best for me to focus on long term goals that didn’t have to do with how I looked. One of the goals that I’m still working on is being able to do a full pull up without assistance! When you have a clear healthy goal, it’s easier to see progress toward that goal instead of getting caught up in other unhealthy messages.
After the month with a personal trainer, I found it was really hard to keep it up long-term. I was really busy and burnt out from other parts of life, and I didn’t feel like I had the time or energy for intense workouts even twice a week, and ended up going about a month without working out immediately after that.
WHAT HELPED: I realized that a little bit is better than nothing, and I knew I did well with focused goals. I made my goal to be able to do a pull up by my birthday (did not accomplish that partially thanks to COVID but still working on it!) and committed to going to the gym 3 days a week, even if all I did was warm up and do the assisted pull up machine. Some days I was in and out of them gym in 10 minutes. Gradually, it started to feel like part of a comforting routine to go there for 10 minutes, and on days that I felt good I would just add in one more machine, or stretch a little longer. I still never really would go for more than 30-40 minutes max, but it was enough to make me sore and feel stronger. I found that it was way easier for me to work out in the evening rather than in the morning, and I started to look forward to it as a stress relief at the end of the day.
And I actually haven’t had any issues with unwanted attention from guys the way I receive in other contexts— I’m sure that does happen sometimes to many people at the gym, but I’ve found that there’s kind of an awesome unspoken gym culture now that hitting on women isn’t ok and that the gym is a place to leave people alone to focus on what they’re doing. And no one is really watching you— they’re all just as self-conscious as you are, hah.
WhERE I’M AT NOW:
In the middle of February I broke out in this crazy rash and cough that I’m just finally feeling completely recovered from from this week (3 months later…wondering still if it could have been COVID, but never got tested!), and I had completely no energy for anything at all. In the following few weeks, I lost two family members to cancer while a third battled it, and the California Stay At Home began on my birthday, March 20th, which included closing gyms. I completely stopped working out from February through the beginning of May as I tried to wrap my head around what life was (as we all did!).
It’s been hard to transition to working out from home, because I had finally found a groove at the gym using machines that I don’t have at home.
Thankfully, quarantine provided the perfect timing for me to start another goal I’ve had for a while, to work on my yoga practice and become certified through Holy Yoga as a Trauma Informed Yoga Instructor. Starting this training is what motivated me to start working out again (it’s required…), and I’m slowly learning what feels good and getting back into something consistent.
I also bought these bands and we have an over the door pull up bar and some 6 pound dumb bells so I can keep working on strength in other ways!
My advice
If you’re struggling with the idea of working out, my advice is to experiment a little with some low pressure exercises on your own at home and get an idea of what you might like, or what goal sounds exciting to you. I don’t really love working on pull ups, but the thought of saying I can do one just sounds so COOL to me… that’s why I picked that goal! And I know I can use yoga to help people so much, even if each work out isn’t always a good time, and that’s why I picked that goal too.
If working out doesn’t feel good to you, find a way to connect working out to something that does feel good. Do it outside, listen to a great sound track, watch a show while working out, try Zumba for a more dance-style workout, do it with a friend, do it completely alone. And then set a goal, take the pressure off, and tell yourself you’re doing this because you decided you want to. You’re not obligated to do this— you thought it would be worth it, and you probably still do.
It will definitely get easier, and for me it was really rewarding to have videos of myself before and after, so I recommend that too if it doesn’t make you more uncomfortable! Even just writing down and tracking what you were able to do is a great way to see before and afters that aren’t as image-focused (pictures are ok too of course if you want, just wasn’t a good option for me!). Remind yourself that you’re putting in the work now for something that will feel really good later. Even if you hate the entire workout, you’ll be glad you did it later!
Let me know what you guys think of all of this! It’s not my typical content for Make Pretty Stuff, but something I’m becoming more passionate about! Would love to hear your stories and advice.